- Poetry Special
from Georgia Jones
- This month's Feature Article
Courtly Love, a legacy article from Shimon Weinroth
- Cartoons
from David Donar
- Special Feature
Emily's Hike Home from Patricia Rose Gilles
- Our Virtual World
Two Thousand Words
- Guest Columnist: Barbara Berger
Who is responsible for your partner's happiness?
- Keep the Connection
Parenting Issues with Molly Koch
- Self Esteem
Five Signs of Low Self Esteem
- Poetry Corner
from Jane Roberts
- God is On Your Side
from Richard Kuhns
- Exceptional Women
All Women are Not the Same
- The BookWorm
Our Readers Read and Recommend - Share with us!
- Now Hear This
Worth the effort
- Financial Correspondent
The Impact Of Self-deportation
- Books, Cooks, Looks & Ms. Elani
A Review of Meridon
- Your House is on Fire
News to Follow
- From the Editor
It's Your Day — Use it wisely
- Our Readers Reflect
Your chance to say what you think
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
print this article separately
You Too are Truly Scrumptious
While teenagers and more than a few middle-aged moms are squealing over "Twilight" hunks, I have to admit my own admiration for Dick Van Dyke. He seems to be keeping up just fine with the likes of vampires and werewolf hunks. Recently married at 89 to a woman 50+ years his junior, he still conveys a happiness and joyful attitude. My admiration stems from a little movie called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. From start to finish, the movie was filled with singing and dancing and Dick Van Dyke magic. Whistling candy and Broadway show tunes mingled with sixties innocence. Emily and I have spent the last four weeks singing all the songs and remembering the scenes. Joel loves the songs too but is equally fascinated that the author of the books also wrote the James Bond series.
My favorite part of the movie involved Dick Van Dyke singing "The Two of You" to his children. As a fantastical invention created breakfast for the kids, Dick Van Dyke crooned in his own inimitable way how much he loved the two children. When we first saw the movie, I found myself misting up a little in the midst of the Van Dyke hilarity. In the darkened movie theater surrounded by the smell of popcorn and squirming kids, there was something so heartwarming about the movie that debuted before I was born that I gripped Emily a little tighter.
The movie continued with a sweet lullaby to "Hush-a-by-Mountain" which nearly made me bawl as Dick Van Dyke serenaded his sleepy children. I found the out-of-print soundtrack for the movie and it hasn't left the cd player rotation. Emily and Joel sing along with the "two of you" song with me designated as the female version of Dick Van Dyke. The timeless spirit of a movie so full of tenderness and the love between child and parent has endured far longer than any vampire flick.
There may be a time when a silly song about candy that whistles and car that flies is eclipsed by the latest boy band. For now, we are going to crank up Dick Van Dyke in all his glory. I may not be able to make eggs roll down a slot to create an instant breakfast. We may not be spies or inventors and we don't live in a fantastical world of pirates and candy factories. don't have a car that flies. I can however love the "four of us"-the modern Ian Fleming family. My midnights aren't spent camping in line for the latest vampire flick. As the kids fall asleep, I hum a timeless karaoke lullaby a la Dick Van Dyke. For that framed moment, the world stands still and I send them off to Lullaby Bay one more precious night. No vampire or werewolves needed. All I need is the example of one quick-footed lanky dancer, melodies that belie any trends and the "two of them".
Read this feature from past issues.
Our guest columnist this month is Barbara Berger, author of Fast Food for the Souland other books.
Who is responsible for your partner's happiness?
Since so many people have problems in their relationships, it might be a good idea to look at another aspect of the dynamic of troubled relationships. So what happens when one of the partners is abusive and continually scolds, blames and violates the other person's boundaries. What is going on here? First of all let me make it clear that by abusive behavior, I don't just mean physical violence. Verbal abuse is emotional violence and can be just as harmful as physical abuse.
When a partner is verbally abusive, it is often disguised in and justified by beliefs like: If you love me you'll do what I want. My happiness depends on my partner (you are making me unhappy). My partner is responsible for my happiness, etc. The abusive partner will often put pressure on the partner saying how much he/she loves the partner and how terribly unhappy the other person's behavior is making him/her. When this happens, the abusive partner is basically saying "You are responsible for my happiness."
Unfortunately in this type of relationship, the passive partner (the one on the receiving end) believes what the other partner is saying. The passive partner believes that he/she is responsible for the other person's happiness. So both the aggressor (the abusive partner) and the passive (the abused partner) believe the same story — that the passive person is guilty of not living up to what the abuser believes is necessary to make the relationship function. And since both partners believe the same thing, a situation like this can go on for years. Both are living under the same delusion — that one person can be responsible for another person's happiness.
It's like me saying to you: You are responsible for the way I think and feel. When I put it like this, you can see how insane this belief is. So in relationships where one partner is blaming the other partner, we need to look at the belief that one person can be responsible for another person's thoughts and feelings. Because the reality is that this is impossible. One person cannot be responsible for another person's thoughts and feelings.
This is not a question of good or bad or right or wrong, this is just the way things are. If you look carefully at the nature of mind you will see that this is a completely impersonal mechanism that has nothing to do with who you are or what you think. It's just the way things are — and the way things are is that every single person has his/her own thoughts and emotions. Things happen and then each individual has his or her thoughts about what's going on. Events in and of themselves have no inherent value, but that each person gives each event a value by his or her interpretation of what's going on. So if you like what's going on you think it's good and you're happy and if you don't like what's going on, you think it's bad and you're unhappy. It's as simple as that.
This is very important to keep in mind because it tells us that no matter how "close" two people are, each is still living in their own mental universe which is determined by their thoughts. And this means that each person's reactions are based on their interpretation of events — and not on the other person's behavior.
With this in mind we can see that in a relationship where there's an abuser and abused partner, both have the same mistaken belief — that one person is responsible for another person's happiness. This mistaken belief is disempowering for both parties because the reality is I am responsible for my thoughts and feelings and you are responsible for your thoughts and feelings.
This is why it feels so uncomfortable when you try to "force" someone else to do what you want them to do… and why it feels so uncomfortable when someone else tries to "force" you to do what they want you to do because it can't be done. It's impossible.
So the first step in learning to deal with this kind of unhealthy situation is to think deeply about these statements: I am not responsible for how you think or feel. That's your job. You are not responsible for how I think or feel. I am responsible for how I think and feel. That's my job.
And of course when there is verbal abuse based on this serious misunderstanding, the next step is to learn how to be assertive, set limits and tell your partner yes dear I hear what you are saying and I'm not responsible for how you feel.
Barbara Berger is the internationally known, best-selling author of Fast Food for the Soul (published in 30 languages), Are You Happy Now? and The Awakening Human Being - A Guide to the Power of Mind which was just released in the US and the UK. The book can be ordered on Amazon.com. Find out more about Barbara Berger.
Read this feature from past issues.
How Do You Spell Cooperation?
In a recent parent group, two mothers complained they were having trouble getting their 8- and 10-year-old sons to obey them. While we wish we could tell our children the house rules only once and they'd comply forever—and we'd all live happily ever after—the reality is, it's not going to happen. Not that way.
What we should wish for and work for is cooperation, not obedience. Let's take a look at the difference.
In my book 27 Secrets to Raising Amazing Children, I raise the following questions for parents to ask themselves about training their children to be obedient: Will demanding obedience train your children to be submissive? How will your submissive children respond to the bad influences outside your home? How will they, at any age, know how to resist the persuasions of a person intent on molesting them? Will they submit without thinking to anyone who makes demands? Will they continue to depend on others to make their decisions for them? Or, once out on their own, will they rebel against all rules of society?
The obedient child does not act out of inner conviction, claims the late psychologist Dr. Bruno Bettelheim in his book A Good Enough Parent (Vintage, 1988). This is the key to understanding the difference between obedience and cooperation. Obedient children comply out of fear of punishment, or fear of losing their parents' love or approval. Cooperative children willingly share responsibilities when they feel they are respected and valued members of their family.
So, how do you get your children to cooperate?
It begins with respect. Think about how you treat guests in your home. If you want their cooperation, you would not say, "This is my house and these are my rules."
If you don't want them to leave bathroom towels on the carpeted floor, you'd probably say, "We have a problem with mold in our house, so we'd appreciate it if you would hang the towels to dry on the rack after you shower."
You told your guest what is important to you, what you would appreciate him or her doing, and you took the time to explain your reason for hanging up the towel.
Oh, I can hear you saying, “But I've explained my reasons a hundred times, and they still don't listen.”
Does it sound like just another order to them that they can forget? Do they really forget after being told a hundred times? Just having to tell them over and over tells you that something is missing.
Who’s in Charge?
What I find missing in many families are necessary conversations with children. Too much is left unsaid and, as a result, hurt or angry feelings—in both parents and children—remain unresolved.
Here's the issue the mothers brought to our group: They said that when it's time for their sons to do their homework, eat their dinner, take a bath, and go to bed, they have difficulty getting them to end their computer games. (It could be any other tug-of-war situation with children of any age.)
To see what's really going on here, let's look at it from the children's standpoint. Playing computer games is not just useless game playing. It is one area where these boys feel they are in control. They say their lives are filled with rules and restrictions, everyday, day in and day out, in school and at home.
Here in cyberspace, the boys are kings—they have control and power. This is the stuff of self-esteem! What they are trying to get and should be getting as frequently as possible is autonomy. Giving your children choices hands them some control in their lives that leads to their developing self-control and decision-making.
Back to the boys at the computer. Mom comes in and says, "It's time to do your homework, eat dinner, take a bath…" But the king is not ready to relinquish his power and the battle begins. All Mom can do after a futile exchange of words is to threaten punishment. The king abdicates, gives in, eats his dinner, does his homework, takes a bath, and goes to bed—angry and frustrated—and determined to regain his throne tomorrow. He may not premeditate how he will take control the next day, but it's pretty certain he'll find a way. And another battle is inevitable.
It's bedtime and the little deposed king is lying in bed, feeling powerless. Here's where the necessary conversation comes in. His frustrated and weary mother knocks on his door, enters his room, sits down at his bedside, and says: "I've thought it over and I think it's time we worked out the computer problem together."
The little boy sees a chance to gain a new kind of control, and he's willing to discuss the length of time he plays, whether he does his homework before or after playing, and what the consequences should be if he fails to live up to the agreed-upon time limit. His anger and frustration subside, and he's eager to cooperate.
As in all parenting matters, it begins with respect and it ends with respect. Long live the queen mother! Long live the little king!
Molly Koch is reprinted here with permission from Baltimore's Child Magazine. You can also find Molly at mollybkoch.com and keeptheconnection.org. Contact Molly with questions, comments or suggestions for this topic.Read this feature from past issues.
Five Signs of Low Self Esteem
Following are five signs of poor self esteem as shared by a self esteem expert who overcame each of them. See how many you relate with and then decide if you're ready to take action and do something about them. At one time or other in my life, I've related with most of them and fortunately remember that they were a problem but have forgotten what it felt like to have had the difficulties. I find it intriguing how they feed into each other.
1. Blaming and Complaining.
Blaming and complaining are pretty much the same thing. Both kill creativity and make you a victim of misfortune and circumstances.
2. The second sign might very well be denial. It's like pretending bad things don't happen because you might not feel confident in handling the unfortunate event. So you might deny a problem you're having in your relationship, or a problem at work or in your career, or an issue with a neighbor or acquaintance or even a friend. Denial and blame or complaining run well together for when in denial, you do not take action and misfortune runs its unfortunate course. The result being that you might well be at the effect of worse possible events such as being let go from a job, divorced, or a health crisis. Any of these misfortune events plus any other possible calamities provide plenty fuel for complaining and blaming.
After all it's not your fault for losing your job or your spouse divorcing you, right?
3. The third sign could be difficulty or inability to express feelings or emotions. Actually this is an outgrowth of the second sign of poor self esteem and that is denial of emotion. Something may happen that infuriates you and someone asks you if you're angry. You're reply would be to say, "No, I'm not angry."
The reason being that you believe that feeling angry is going to require some kind of action on your part and you simply lack any confidence in expressing anger. This is true for confusion, uncertainty, boredom or any uncomfortable emotion. Instead you've learned to be numb to feeling emotions and later on find the situation fuel for complaining and blaming. Yet, there's an unconscious self judgment going on in which you compare yourself with others in similar situations and put yourself down to undermine any chance of having self esteem. Later in the book we investigate disappointment in self in detail and provide the fuel to take the negative and self complaining energy and convert into love of self.
And of course there are other reasons for denying many emotions such as you may have adopted beliefs that emotions like anger are useless or that you are a better person for not getting angry, and the list goes on and on. You may also have many beliefs about all other emotions that prevent you from acknowledging them and feeling them.
In the second book of this series, Quick Tips on How to Be More Confident and Assertive Today you'll discover responsible means of expressing your feelings.
4. Looking to others for self acceptance is the fourth sign. Needing approval is a killer of self esteem. When you don't get approval your first fear is that something is wrong with you. This fuels anxiety which fosters resentment to those with whom you are dependent on for acceptance. It's a viscous circle with no way out and is symbolic of a lack of self love.
The irony is that even though you probably feel little in comparison to those for whom you need approval, your ego has you feeling so important that others might even pay attention to you or care about your well being. Yet, if you do not like yourself, why should anyone else pay attention to you or like you. It's indeed a "catch 22" situation. Ask yourself, Why are you so important that others would have an attitude about you one way or another?" Do you get the irony?
Terry Cole Whittacker wrote a book many years ago titled, What You Think of Me is None of My Business, which is ultimately where you want to be. A book I've often thought of writing would be titled, Ego Kills, or Kill Your Ego and Save Your Life. As you read my series of books for Building and Improving Self Esteem, keep both these titles or thoughts in mind.
The other part of the "catch 22" is that you end up blaming your lack of successes in this world on those with whom you don't get acceptance.
5. Poor personal boundaries. You feel obligated to help with or accept responsibility for other's problems. You even feel it's your duty to answer any personal questions posed to you. Saying "No," is alien. You sometimes feel that others can look right through you and that if you don't help or answer them, they won't like you.
In the second book of this series, Quick Tips on How to Be More Confident and Assertive Today, you'll discover how to establish your personal boundaries and feel good about you.
In summary, the good news is that once these issues are identified and acknowledged, the viscous circle that keeps you trapped inside them can be broken. The irony was that you were not born with these feelings — they were learned. You picked up these beliefs and attitudes from your parents, educator, peers, and in many cases, with limited information, came to them on your own by coming to erroneous conclusions. And because they were learned, they can be unlearned.
Richard Kuhns. NGH certified has self help mp3 downloads for personal change and personal growth at http://www.DstressDoc.com find a sense of self worth at http://www.SelfEsteemCure.com and SelfEsteemCure.com for weight loss. His newly released book, Quick Tips on How to Build and Improve Self Worth is available on Amazon's Kindle and Barnes and Noble's Nook. The book is free with the hypnotic companion CD to Build and Improve Self Worth.
Read this feature from past issues.
The Scale Conspiracy